What If?
(A Speculation from A Diary of A Teenage Boy)
The four-year voyage has ended, flipping the new pages of my life. In this new era, I bid goodbye to my diaries as I give my warm embrace to to the thesis writing, narrative reports and "defends." But that will be way too far..
So here I am, moved to city for a bigger and breath-taking milestone. I have been doing okay as I find myself happy of whatever I have right now, which road I chose to take, and whom I decided to continue my life with.
One day I was online, the girl whom I admire"d" so much PM me through a chat. She said, "Hey, how are you now?" That time, I was working fine with my entry for a project logo contest.And you know how did I absorbed it? I myself don't even know how! I just lost my focus and that's all I thought. How ridiculous! I remember as quoted by one of my high school best friends, "When it comes to a very special person, we always get distracted, leaving us gone crazy of thinking about it over and over again." So yes?, she's right. But.. less than a year ago has passed. It simply now belongs to the past. But...errrrhh,after all, SHE TOOK A PIECE OF MY HEART.
The summary goes this way:
In more than three years, I could no longer doubt myself of loving her,wishing, hoping and longing for me to win her heart. I've waited so long wanting her to be mine someday. I've wasted too many chances that came my way. That was then that my real problem was telling her what I feel.
I couldn't stand it anymore seeing her with other boys that may or may not make friends with her(because they may be courting this girl, already.) So because of that anxiety, I took her first dance for I know it's my only chance I could talk to her sincerely. I told her I can wait if she's not ready (for some agree with it) If it takes 20 more years of waiting, I'll do it. .But.........she said nothing. I wanted a single word but she said nothing. A few days later, she finally said, it's a NO. She finally broke my heart. And that was the most hurting part.
I pursue the feeling not just because I love her to death, but also her friends and my friends love it. That's when I knew it was just their way of showing support and more than that? Nothing at all. I thought she loved me too. My misinterpretation.
I wake up one day with my tears running down my face. This lady was once my everything, and now, came into nothing. She is the most indecisive girl I have ever known. I did my best and that's all I know. But I also have to blame myself for doing that stupid thing, for holding on for something which is not worthy. And it was like, fighting a war without an armor. As if no time and effort will be wasted. I didn't lowered my expectations. I've been thinking all along, I'm better than anybody does. But after what happened, I wondered better than it ever was.
Flashback starts, into my heart
It's uneasy, it made us crazy
I can hardly think what I did was right
When I held your hands that night.
I ran out of time as my fears pulled me
But his thorn in my chest will set me free
Now I don't know how to feel about the changes
that matter right after I told you
Because it's breaking my heart
to see you this lonely
It tears me apart
to make him notice you when your happy
I'm so afraid to loose you
or to give you a reason to turn away
'Cause I know, I'm no better, better than anybody does
Now I'm thinking, better than it ever was.
This is the incomplete song I made last August 5, 2011. The day after all of these happened. My Birthday.
It took a very little moment like a flash for me to start this. And now it's taking almost a long year full of happenings to leave this unfinished. I don't know if I still make this through. But this is quite hunting me. It gives me the idea to speculate and ask. What if I chose to still wait for her and stayed broken-hearted until she comes back? Will it make a good difference if I did? Does this mean a thing which I should pursue to think of?
Think I should not wonder about this anymore. That girl and me are friends. She just broke up with his boyfriend while I am in a relationship now for almost 7 months, we are all happy with our own lives and I love my girlfriend[PERIOD]
Fairytale in A Real World
With A Big Sigh
The four-year voyage has ended, flipping the new pages of my life. In this new era, I bid goodbye to my diaries as I give my warm embrace to to the thesis writing, narrative reports and "defends." But that will be way too far..
So here I am, moved to city for a bigger and breath-taking milestone. I have been doing okay as I find myself happy of whatever I have right now, which road I chose to take, and whom I decided to continue my life with.
One day I was online, the girl whom I admire"d" so much PM me through a chat. She said, "Hey, how are you now?" That time, I was working fine with my entry for a project logo contest.And you know how did I absorbed it? I myself don't even know how! I just lost my focus and that's all I thought. How ridiculous! I remember as quoted by one of my high school best friends, "When it comes to a very special person, we always get distracted, leaving us gone crazy of thinking about it over and over again." So yes?, she's right. But.. less than a year ago has passed. It simply now belongs to the past. But...errrrhh,after all, SHE TOOK A PIECE OF MY HEART.
The summary goes this way:
In more than three years, I could no longer doubt myself of loving her,wishing, hoping and longing for me to win her heart. I've waited so long wanting her to be mine someday. I've wasted too many chances that came my way. That was then that my real problem was telling her what I feel.
I couldn't stand it anymore seeing her with other boys that may or may not make friends with her(because they may be courting this girl, already.) So because of that anxiety, I took her first dance for I know it's my only chance I could talk to her sincerely. I told her I can wait if she's not ready (for some agree with it) If it takes 20 more years of waiting, I'll do it. .But.........she said nothing. I wanted a single word but she said nothing. A few days later, she finally said, it's a NO. She finally broke my heart. And that was the most hurting part.
I pursue the feeling not just because I love her to death, but also her friends and my friends love it. That's when I knew it was just their way of showing support and more than that? Nothing at all. I thought she loved me too. My misinterpretation.
I wake up one day with my tears running down my face. This lady was once my everything, and now, came into nothing. She is the most indecisive girl I have ever known. I did my best and that's all I know. But I also have to blame myself for doing that stupid thing, for holding on for something which is not worthy. And it was like, fighting a war without an armor. As if no time and effort will be wasted. I didn't lowered my expectations. I've been thinking all along, I'm better than anybody does. But after what happened, I wondered better than it ever was.
Flashback starts, into my heart
It's uneasy, it made us crazy
I can hardly think what I did was right
When I held your hands that night.
I ran out of time as my fears pulled me
But his thorn in my chest will set me free
Now I don't know how to feel about the changes
that matter right after I told you
Because it's breaking my heart
to see you this lonely
It tears me apart
to make him notice you when your happy
I'm so afraid to loose you
or to give you a reason to turn away
'Cause I know, I'm no better, better than anybody does
Now I'm thinking, better than it ever was.
This is the incomplete song I made last August 5, 2011. The day after all of these happened. My Birthday.
It took a very little moment like a flash for me to start this. And now it's taking almost a long year full of happenings to leave this unfinished. I don't know if I still make this through. But this is quite hunting me. It gives me the idea to speculate and ask. What if I chose to still wait for her and stayed broken-hearted until she comes back? Will it make a good difference if I did? Does this mean a thing which I should pursue to think of?
Think I should not wonder about this anymore. That girl and me are friends. She just broke up with his boyfriend while I am in a relationship now for almost 7 months, we are all happy with our own lives and I love my girlfriend[PERIOD]
Fairytale in A Real World
With A Big Sigh
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